Progress Report

I've qualified for the housing program and will be moving into an apartment in the next week or so. I'm still without a job and have no money, so my Gofundme account is still open.
https://www.gofundme.com/wp3e4s-domestic-violence-survivor
Please share the link and help if you can.
As soon as I get moved in I'll post an update and let folks know.
Happy Holidays all!

Communal living is NOT for me

All kinds of people get abused and need a safe place. Just because you've been abused and are in a shelter does NOT mean you will get along with the other residents. The only thing most of us have in common is the abuse.
I've been in the shelter almost 2 months now. It is getting on my last nerve. There is hope though. I think I will be getting an apartment soon through a program they have here.

No one DESERVES to be abused. But man oh man can I understand how some of these women got abused. They push buttons. They seem to think they are the only ones with problems or that their problems are worse than anyone else's. I'm more than likely guilty of the same thing.

I left my ex because I was tired of being used as an emotional and physical punching bag. But it's happening here too.
Please, Goddess let me get into that apartment SOON!

Rebounds are only good in basketball...

We as humans are quite baffling. We all have that “gut instinct”, “inner voice” or whatever you want to call it. Many, myself included, don’t always listen to that warning. I think I read once it stems from our primitive brain, left over from when we evolved to what we are today. But don’t quote me on that.

Looking back, hindsight is always 20/20. I wish I’d have paid attention to the alarm bells jangling in my head. I wish I’d been strong enough to put a stop to the relationship before it ever got as far as it did. But as I’ve already stated, good decision making has never been my strong suit.

I was raised in an abusive alcoholic home. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER! But hey, I was drinking too. The broken heart had to be soothed in any way I could find. So, I actually PUSHED to get into a relationship with T. I chased her. I was scared and lonely and hurt. So really, who is to blame for what would happen. When it all boils down to it, ME. I made the decision to chase her. In my mind, being alone was the worst thing that could happen to me. Ahhh hind sight….

So the first red flag was the drinking. A functioning alcoholic is a scary thing to deal with. They get off work (when they can hold a job) and start drinking. And they drink. And drink. And drink. Day in, day out. RED FLAG

When I finally “caught her” she would come to my apartment and I’d be at work. She’d turn the heat up to 90 and pass out. Then she’d bitch when I’d be upset about the electric bill. RED FLAG

She would claim that her buying the food and toilet paper etc for the apartment after she moved in was equal to or greater than the rent, cable, internet, electricity that I paid. When I would ask for receipts, I was never shown. RED FLAG

She blamed me for getting fired from the casino. RED FLAG

She kept “score” as to if she bought me a gift, and I didn’t buy her one of equal or greater value. RED FLAG

I would get her a job where I worked, and when it didn’t work out, it was somehow MY fault. RED FLAG.

If she got a job on her own, she’d say because they found out she was gay, she’d get fired and it was MY fault. RED FLAG

Get the picture? I won’t go into 18 years of bullshit and red flags. Suffice to say, I was stupid to not pay attention.

We were both working at a casino, I in surveillance, she in security. She got injured on the job and that is when things got really bad. After finally having surgery on her back, they put her on opioids. Great. An alcoholic on pain meds. It triggered her inner paranoia. And folks, shit got bad.

*Gotta take a break. This shit is still raw*

My Gofundme

I am trying to raise funds to get a car so that I can look for work. I can't stay in this women's shelter for forever and I can't get out to look for work without transportation. This town only has a taxi and I can't afford it. Most of the jobs that are hiring are way too far to walk and it is getting to be winter here.

If you can help, please do. Even a $1 is greatly appreciated. If you have already helped, please share this with your friends. Thanks! *VIDEO IS PART OF THE ATTACK, SO IF YOU ARE EASILY TRIGGERED DON'T WATCH!*

https://www.gofundme.com/wp3e4s-domestic-violence-survivor

Copy and paste since I can't figure out how to get it to take you there automatically.

Where to begin...

I will not sit here and pretend that I am an angel. I have done some shit in my life that I completely regret and I have tried as best I can to make amends to those I have harmed, whether in word, thought or deed. I have had just enough time in AA/NA to realize the good points of the program work for all. But this isn't about addiction. This is about bad behavior. Although I can say, alcohol and drugs did fuel this side of me. I'm a jealous bitch by nature. Catch me drunk, piss me off, cheat on me in front of my face, well, that is a nasty combo. There is no excuse for my behavior during these times, only an explanation of the situation at the time. Though the people I have hurt in the past will never see this, I can only express my deepest and most heartfelt I AM SORRY. I can't beg for forgiveness anymore, I have already done that. It is not up to me if I receive that forgiveness, and maybe I need to forgive myself. I will probably never know if my apology was accepted or not. But I have made them repeatedly and I can't dwell in the past for forever.
 But I must go back to the past to get to the present.

I "came out" of the closet as a lesbian, at least to myself at age 15. Growing up in the belt buckle of the Bible belt, in small-town Texas was hard. VERY hard. To keep from embarrassing my family and getting run out of town on a rail, I dated guys. I had sex with guys. I did everything I was "supposed" to do to appear straight. But I knew it was a lie. Oddly enough, I met my first girlfriend at church. Looking back on it now, I realize, that what for me was my first love, to her was just some kind of game I guess. I was 15, she was 21. Hell, maybe she got a toaster oven for bringing new blood into the fold, LOL. I don't know. But long story short, it didn't last and I was devastated. This was a direct cause of me wanting to commit suicide and finally convincing my mom and 3 shrinks that I needed to be hospitalized in the state mental hospital. Goddess how I regret that decision. It ruined my life. It kept me out of the military and that was all I ever wanted to do.
 Fast forward to 18 and I again met someone I thought was the love of my life. She was 24 and in the Air Force...back in the days of witch hunts and not saying anything. It was a big secret. It was the first time I ever got drunk and violent, which led to an honest attempt at suicide. Bet we all know how that one ended, don't we? Oh and guess what? Mama found out. FML...
Once again, heartbroken and lost, I met the next girlfriend in the weirdest way. What I didn't realize was that she had another live-in lover in Dallas. She was a truck driver for a wine warehouse and my little blip on the map was one of her stops. So, pack up the UHAUL..we got a place together. She did eventually leave the other woman and I moved to Dallas with her. And got dumped. All alone in a big ass city, where my car got stolen. *cue violins*. Yeah, let's just say decision making has NEVER been one of my strong suits. There are lots of horror stories to go with all that ish, and it really doesn't play a big role in the current story.
Let's just move along to moving to Washington state. I'll tell the other stuff at another time.
I moved to Washington in November of  1991, I THINK. Could have been '90 but I'll check with my friend and let ya know. Annnnyway...
I dated a few women here and there and time after time I got dumped. Not due to violence, but more because I was clingy and insecure (immature too.). I tried hard to find work that paid enough to live on and found a niche in security work.  After my first long term relationship ended (2.5 years) due to her cheating on me with a good friend, I got hooked on the internet. Good ol' AOL... and it's chat rooms. So, once again, I went out on a limb and met up with a woman. We hit it off and were together for 5 years. We both eventually worked at the same casino and I'm not sure exactly how she met up with the woman she left me for, but the biggest hurt was yet to come. Myself, S, V (the woman she dumped me for) and T (V's girlfriend) all worked at the casino. S and V got together and T and I were kind of like WTF just happened? I ended up getting fired because I couldn't control my temper. It didn't help that I tried changing departments and shifts to get away from the cheaters. So one thing led to another and T and I got together...can we say REBOUND???? (This is the part of the story you've been waiting on, if you are still reading). Let me say this, ladies and gents. REBOUNDS ARE ONLY GOOD IN BASKETBALL!!!! Mine just happened to last 18 years.

Women Can Be Abusers Too!

For those of you that don't know me, just call me Wolfie. I am a 50+ female and I am a lesbian.
Domestic abuse can happen to anyone. Female or male. The abuser can be either sex. It is one of the things in this world that knows no gender bias.

Welcome and Thank you for Coming

Thank you for taking a moment from your day to check out my blog. I am in no way a professional writer so please don't expect perfect spelling and grammar. I will do my best to be clear, but I might leave a few dangling participles and other grammar no no's.

I'm not going to go into my whole life story, because, well, I'm kinda old and no one wants to read all that ish. This blog is to chronicle the last 18 years of my life and where I am on my "journey" as everyone seems to like calling it.

There may be some foul language and there may be some confusing statements, but that is how my head works.

So if you can hang with that, great, I welcome you into a private part of my life. If you can't, thanks for stopping by and have a great day!