Where to begin...

I will not sit here and pretend that I am an angel. I have done some shit in my life that I completely regret and I have tried as best I can to make amends to those I have harmed, whether in word, thought or deed. I have had just enough time in AA/NA to realize the good points of the program work for all. But this isn't about addiction. This is about bad behavior. Although I can say, alcohol and drugs did fuel this side of me. I'm a jealous bitch by nature. Catch me drunk, piss me off, cheat on me in front of my face, well, that is a nasty combo. There is no excuse for my behavior during these times, only an explanation of the situation at the time. Though the people I have hurt in the past will never see this, I can only express my deepest and most heartfelt I AM SORRY. I can't beg for forgiveness anymore, I have already done that. It is not up to me if I receive that forgiveness, and maybe I need to forgive myself. I will probably never know if my apology was accepted or not. But I have made them repeatedly and I can't dwell in the past for forever.
 But I must go back to the past to get to the present.

I "came out" of the closet as a lesbian, at least to myself at age 15. Growing up in the belt buckle of the Bible belt, in small-town Texas was hard. VERY hard. To keep from embarrassing my family and getting run out of town on a rail, I dated guys. I had sex with guys. I did everything I was "supposed" to do to appear straight. But I knew it was a lie. Oddly enough, I met my first girlfriend at church. Looking back on it now, I realize, that what for me was my first love, to her was just some kind of game I guess. I was 15, she was 21. Hell, maybe she got a toaster oven for bringing new blood into the fold, LOL. I don't know. But long story short, it didn't last and I was devastated. This was a direct cause of me wanting to commit suicide and finally convincing my mom and 3 shrinks that I needed to be hospitalized in the state mental hospital. Goddess how I regret that decision. It ruined my life. It kept me out of the military and that was all I ever wanted to do.
 Fast forward to 18 and I again met someone I thought was the love of my life. She was 24 and in the Air Force...back in the days of witch hunts and not saying anything. It was a big secret. It was the first time I ever got drunk and violent, which led to an honest attempt at suicide. Bet we all know how that one ended, don't we? Oh and guess what? Mama found out. FML...
Once again, heartbroken and lost, I met the next girlfriend in the weirdest way. What I didn't realize was that she had another live-in lover in Dallas. She was a truck driver for a wine warehouse and my little blip on the map was one of her stops. So, pack up the UHAUL..we got a place together. She did eventually leave the other woman and I moved to Dallas with her. And got dumped. All alone in a big ass city, where my car got stolen. *cue violins*. Yeah, let's just say decision making has NEVER been one of my strong suits. There are lots of horror stories to go with all that ish, and it really doesn't play a big role in the current story.
Let's just move along to moving to Washington state. I'll tell the other stuff at another time.
I moved to Washington in November of  1991, I THINK. Could have been '90 but I'll check with my friend and let ya know. Annnnyway...
I dated a few women here and there and time after time I got dumped. Not due to violence, but more because I was clingy and insecure (immature too.). I tried hard to find work that paid enough to live on and found a niche in security work.  After my first long term relationship ended (2.5 years) due to her cheating on me with a good friend, I got hooked on the internet. Good ol' AOL... and it's chat rooms. So, once again, I went out on a limb and met up with a woman. We hit it off and were together for 5 years. We both eventually worked at the same casino and I'm not sure exactly how she met up with the woman she left me for, but the biggest hurt was yet to come. Myself, S, V (the woman she dumped me for) and T (V's girlfriend) all worked at the casino. S and V got together and T and I were kind of like WTF just happened? I ended up getting fired because I couldn't control my temper. It didn't help that I tried changing departments and shifts to get away from the cheaters. So one thing led to another and T and I got together...can we say REBOUND???? (This is the part of the story you've been waiting on, if you are still reading). Let me say this, ladies and gents. REBOUNDS ARE ONLY GOOD IN BASKETBALL!!!! Mine just happened to last 18 years.